The Unholy Confession


I was born perfectly, I knew it, everybody knew it, but my logic always deny. I have too much pessimism than optimism in me. I always over think something and afraid for what I’ve done isn’t enough, they’re absolutely not perfect before my expectation. I hope too much, but I act too less. That’s why I stuck in this damn pathetic thinking, guess I will never go anywhere. My heart is like a door that is made without the key, I will never fall in love.
Regretfully, I blame someone for my weakness, for all my faults. He is me, the weak of me. I hate myself when I do become soft, perhaps the world is rougher than the surface of the moon. I wish to be “Yes” man, accept all those kindness that universe gives, but I decided to refuse, cause they come too long. I hate waiting, neither you. I wish to be “Pygmalion”, the most pathetic ancient greek hero I ever know. He carve the statue of his own ideal woman he dreamt of, then suddenly the goddess of love feel so pity about him. With her Goddess power, she give live to the statue. Pygmalion feel so blessfull. I feel both, happy and jealous at the same time. Why didn’t she (Goddess of love) choose me? So, I can carve you in a statue, dear.

Sometimes, I browse the internet, click up WikiHow, do some search “How to talk to a girl you like?”. I’ve got nothing but only 404 error. They never be found, I never gonna get the answer. Then I’m realize that you’re not an object that have manual books. You’re special, You’re venus. The mysterious planet in my galaxy, even astronauts didn’t know what inside of you. You act like the logarithm equation that never be solved, even you give me those “alpha, betha, gamma”, but I’m too dull to catch the answer. I suck at math, I suck at love too.

I have bad headache all this time I think of you, you just like a large bad sector in memories of my brain I wish I’ll never clean. You stole a big half of my time, I waste the rest to find a way how you can see me now. I remember, some wiseman said,“ Brain is somewhere place like a house, Be wise to choose your furniture,” and this sounded right, cause I hang your images everywhere, your pictures anywhere in my mind, then you always appear in imagination. Some slang said in cool way, “Don’t waste your time thinking something/one they don’t give a shit (“take care”) about you”, but I tried not to believe it. I’ve read many books, they mention so many pearl of wisdoms. One of those pearl line in those book said,” Life is all about giving”, and you will get in balance for bonuses. I favorite one of them, “If you want to be loved, be lovable”. So, I choose to be lovable, by you.

We’re just like playing domino, I fall for you, and you fall to another. We live in antonym world, for what I see is “good”, and look like “bad” for you. You, the only one among all of the creatures which God created, that yet I don’t really understand. Just give me a reason why should I fall in love with you, so I can die peacefully right now for giving in, to find impossible way for this sickness. I name the disease like a love song I used to listen, the name is “What can I do to make you love me”. But, just like good novel, they don’t always have a good ending. And soon to be, we will forget each other now and then. I will pretend this feelings never happen, the part of “Falling in love with you”.

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